Whenever I recall those days when I was suicidal, I wish I could travel back in time and give myself a loving embrace and some kind words. One evening lately, I slipped back to the same suicidal mode, feeling depressed and as if nothing had ever got better. So I asked myself: “What would I do if I love myself?”. After feeling the answer, I sat in front of the computer and started to write this letter to myself.
I’m glad that this letter reached you. You might be surprised, even in your deep unhappiness, that a piece of paper would land on your windowsill in the middle of the night out of nowhere. How should I explain this? Well, the world that I live in is a bit different from your world. My world has no space or time, so I can manifest anything and send it to you anywhere and at any time. Does it sound too esoteric to you? But these things do happen in your world. Had you been more open-minded to the non-physical realms, you would have heard a lot more stories of this sort. :))
I will not tell you who I am until the end of the letter (do me a favor and don’t go there just yet). But maybe you already know instinctively? Or perhaps you can make a guess? We had known each other before you were born, but you have probably forgotten about me. Unlike with your family and friends, you can’t see me.
But I have visited you often! I have heard all the songs you played, tasted all the birthday cakes that you ate, read all the diaries that you wrote, gone through all the message you sent and received, and spent all those late nights with you—at work or parties. And I was right next to you when you got locked out of the house, horrified; when you weren’t allowed to play; when you begged your dad not to throw you in the pool; when you lied on the surgery table; and when you cried yourself to sleep. I feel your fear, insecurity, guilt, shame, and pain. All those times when you felt lonely and helpless, I never left you. I’m still with you tonight when you are researching on how to take your own life.
Are you looking for some painless methods? Aw, I’m not an expert on that. In my world, we don’t know much about death since we never die. There’s no beginning or end here, and our life runs on cycles. For each cycle, we can choose to go to different places and experience different things. Some of us go to your world—like what I have decided, and some go to other worlds different from yours. It’s like acting in different films with different settings, different groups of people and different storylines. Once the film finishes, we take off the costumes, come right back to my world, and get ready for the next one. Sounds like a Hollywood star in your world, doesn’t it?
Except that we don’t have the Academy Award since we don’t judge whether experiences are good or bad. The one who plays the part of a bank robber is as admirable as the one who plays a president; the one who wears the costume of a Nobel Prize winner is as loved as the one of a prisoner; and the one who reads the line “I have a dream” is as respected as the ones who act as his opponents. Just like in the movie, every character serves a particular purpose and the director will never cast a role that is not needed.
I’ve probably rambled a bit too far. But why am I telling you this? Because now that you are thinking of finishing your own story, I feel responsible for briefing you about what is going to happen afterward. You will take off the costume you are wearing right now, and you will come to my world. My world is beautiful because there is no such thing as darkness here. Everything that you can see and perceive is light, light, and light.
Are you still with me, or are you only reading absent-mindedly and waiting for me to stop you from killing yourself like your family and friends would if they knew? I will not. As I said before, no experiences are good or bad, including the one of committing suicide. It is not a sin, you don’t need to feel guilty, and you are not a horrible person if you do it.
Do you start to trust me a bit more now that I don’t object to you doing what you want? Can you see that there is someone else besides yourself that can view your world through your lenses and perspectives, and can feel your hurts and wounds? Your reality might be opaque to others, but not to me. I will not ask you to be strong, for this is the last thing you want to hear.
Now, are you already thinking of befriending me since I seem to know you? Aw, this is what lonely people usually do. When they meet someone that, they believe, can understand them, they take the person as a precious stone, but within no time that person will fail their expectation as well since it is too high; then the lonely ones get disappointed and become even lonelier. Can you identify with them? Can you admit to yourself that you are desperate for love, company, and understanding? Can you see that the lack of these things are what drain your life and make you resent your world so much that you want nothing more to do with it?
I hope I’m not making you feel worse, for the only reason that I sent you this letter is because I heard you calling for help. It was so subtle that you might not have been aware of it, but you did ask. So I came, reckoning that the best way that I can help is to tell you the truth.
The truth is that you have created all of these—your loneliness, lack of love, depression, and pain. I’m not saying you have done it intentionally, but you have. Precisely ‘’how” you set yourself up for sufferings is too technical to explain here, but I will give you a few examples. You think that no one understands you, but have you ever opened yourself up and let others in without your judgment of them? You complain that you never feel loved, is it true or is it because you turn a blind eye to those who love you but cling to the others that care little about you? You feel stuck because you see no way out and can’t get what you want, but do you know what you want? How hard have you tried?
By no means am I blaming you, for I understand, probably better than you do, why you have been creating problems for yourself. It is for survival. You try desperately to protect yourself because you are hurt and deprived. But what you don’t realize is that the many silly things that you do end up sabotaging yourself even more. It is like a downward spiral—the worse you get, the worse you get.
So now you want to end this, which I understand. One way is to terminate your story—like what you try to do because this is the only method you know of. And yet you have another choice, if I may suggest, and that is to realize that you are not just an actress in this film called life—you are also the director.
You look puzzled now because you have forgotten this aspect of yourself. You have forgotten that some time ago, while you were still at my side and my world, you chose your path and some lessons that you want to learn in this lifetime in your world. You have also forgotten that to enrich your experience and expedite your growth, you placed some hurdles and obstacles where you might stumble and made agreements with some people to help each other learn. You already know—by way of intuition—who they are, don’t you? The ones that push your buttons.
In your physical world, it is not fun to be depressed and suicidal; but while you were still in my world, you didn’t have judgments the way you do now. Everything is an experience, and you have fun as long as you experience.
You might be thinking: “Love and joy are experiences, too. Why can’t I have them then?” Yes, you will—if you still choose to. They are the most critical lessons that you want to learn, so does it not make sense that you should experience the antithesis of them first so that your understanding of love and joy will be more thorough and profound? Without depression and isolation, you probably wouldn’t even think that you need love and happiness, would you? While you were on my side, you knew that pain and sufferings serve these useful purposes, and that’s why you included them in the script to make life a bit tough to live.
Now, are you pondering what your next steps “should” be in the script? It might surprise you, but there are no such things as “should-dos” because the script of life is always changing. As the director, you can choose to prolong the pain, to end the film at any time, or to carry on but with more love and more beautiful stories. It is entirely up to you.
If you stick to the second choice, I feel obliged to give you a final note: it will not be the first time you come back to my world. You have returned many times, and every time you are on my side, you can’t wait but go back to your physical world again. You have a different mindset when you are in my world—it allows you to see your potentials and you are thrilled to actualize them into forms. It has been like this before, and I doubt this time will be any different.
In case you are interested in the third option, I would tell you that it is easier than you think. You will be guided: you will know where to go and what to do, you will have to take actions when you are inspired, but you will be looked after. You probably will not get rid of depression and fear overnight, but you will get better and better—till a point where you can genuinely appreciate the beauty of life. You might have a hard time believing this now, and it’s because you are like at the bottom of a mountain, and can only notice one way or two to happiness. Where I am standing on top of the mountain, however, I see hundreds of more paths leading to your destination, and they are fun to walk.
I hope I have given you some new perspectives, although it is never my intention to change your mind. Had you not called for help, I would have remained silent and happily accepted each and every one of your decision like I always do—this is how much I love you.
Who am I? I am you without your costumes, I am you without time and space, and I am you without your grief and pain. We are one and the same when your life ends and you come back to my world, and we separate when you take on new costumes and play new roles. You might have forgotten about me, but I have never left you. All the time while I stay inside you, I am waiting for you to call upon me. It is my greatest joy to tell you that no matter who you are and what you do, I always love you and I am always with you; and so it is.